Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
