So drunk its hurt
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
