he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
