FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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