i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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