this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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