when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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