I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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