Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
