Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize