You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
