best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
