why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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