3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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