Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
