I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
