The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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