Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
