We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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