College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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