I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
