Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
