so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
