I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
