The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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