New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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