don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
