I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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