So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
