I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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