I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
