the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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