you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
