dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
