that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
