the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You were trust falling into bushes
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
