He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Randomize
