Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
