I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
