Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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