Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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