Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize