when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize