just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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