I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
