I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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