yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
