I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
