Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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