just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
