hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
