i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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