when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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