careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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