That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This baby is an asshole
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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