when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
