Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
