i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
